Well, I did it.  I ran a half marathon.  And it was glorious.  It was cold and wet (51 degrees, 10-15 mph winds, heavy rain during parts), and hilly but I did it.  More importantly, I had a really good time doing it.  It’s supposedly not recommended to decide whether or not I want to do another one of these within a week of the race, but I’m fairly certain I want to do another half sometime in the not-so-distant future.  I loved it – loved the pounding feet and watching the people go by, loved the air in my lungs, loved the continuous movement of it all.  I will admit, I did not love the pouring rain, but that’s part of the reason I want to do another one, because the weather couldn’t possibly (she says with fingers crossed) be as bad as the last one.

Mile by mile I watched the weather change and the people around me change.  The first 2 miles I was almost a minute ahead of my per mile pace.  After that it started getting really cold and really wet so I definitely started to slow down.  Around mile 8 I started to regret not doing more hill training.  Mile 12 I wished I wasn’t so reliant on my glasses – they had been wet since mile 3, but now between the heat coming off my body and the rain and the wind, they were starting to fog up big time.  The only thing I could see was Rob’s blue running shirt next to me.  Our clothes were soaked through to the skin.  I was wringing water out of my shirt and shorts just to get them not to stick.  But as we approached the finish, I was glad I had done it.  Thrilled in fact, although I probably didn’t express it adequately because I was freezing cold.

My awesome friend Rob, who got me into this running thing in the first place, ran the race with me.  Paid the entry free, got up at the crack of dawn, drove out there, ran with me the whole messy, windy, rainy 13.1 miles.  Rob’s amazing wife, Nikki, got up at the crack of dawn, drove out there with us, held our stuff, got soaked waiting for us to come by, and supported us in the wee hours of the morning.  One of the coolest things about this race was the support I got from Rob and Nikki.  There just aren’t that many people out there who would run 13.1 miles just for kicks, just for a friend.  And so my heartfelt gratitude goes out to Rob and Nikki for their support and enthusiasm and willingness through all of this.  Friends like you are rare, I am blessed beyond words to have you in my life.  I could not have done this without you both.  Thank you.

Of course my incredible husband, who got up early in the morning to watch Natalie so I could train, who came out in the rain with a 2 year old to support me, who allowed me the time I needed to get ready for this, was my stronghold.  I was constantly reminded as I trained what a patient and generous man I married.  I am blessed to call him mine forever.  I could not have even dreamed of doing it without him.  Thank you.

And as for the next one?  I’m already looking at event dates because I loved it.  I had originally thought that the next thing I was going to aim for was a full marathon but I think that I’m a half-marathon girl for now.  And as soon as my legs will bend normally again, I’m going to start training for number 2.

I have seen lately the fragility of life.  Not just the bodily life, although I did experience that in the last weeks as well.  But life as an institution, life as an existence, life as a path, a road to be traveled.  I consider myself privileged to have a God who loves me as I am, a husband who isn’t far behind, and a daughter who looked at me today and said, “My mommy … I kiss you,” and a dog that loves to be scratched and petted and really could probably live on love alone.  I have a job that I love, that daily helps me fulfill my mission for God, and am surrounded by those who love and serve the Lord.  I am abundantly blessed and sure, I work hard at it (sometimes harder than others, but always working) but in the end, the Father has laid before me a feast of abundant joy and hope, not just here but in eternity.  But around me, I see the fallenness of man.

So often it makes me long for it to be over – not this life, but this brokenness.  But we carry on, don’t we?  We keep marching on.  We make ourselves numb to what’s going on around us, because this is the only way we can cope – it is the only way our ravaged hearts can keep beating without weeping.  We make ourselves think it’s just not that bad, that we  just have to live with it.  The numbness is better than feeling the pain, so we accept it.  Because if we feel too much, it might hurt.  Or if we’re hurting others, we make ourselves numb to their pain, because if we feel their pain, we might not do what we want to anymore.  The fight between pain and numbness is never ending.

And I wonder why I’m one of the lucky ones, who doesn’t have to be in the fight.

I love that she thanks Jesus for mommy and daddy.

I love that she snores.  You know, just a little bit.  Because I snore.  And her daddy snores.  One of those little things that confirms she’s ours.

I love that he insists on hugs and kisses from her (and, frankly, from me, too).  Yeah, that’s right, he’s man enough.

I love that she loves to eat fruit.  Sure, she’s borderlining on vegetarian, but she loves her fruit and veggies.

I love that her first words in the morning are “Hi, Mama!”  No matter what I had to punish her for last night, or how yesterday was, she’s happy to see me.

I love that she loves school and is like a little sponge, soaking it all in.

I love that she loves jeans and sneakers.  That’s my girl!

Mostly I love that when I look at her I see God’s love.  Because I think that’s what He intended for me to see.  And I can’t complain about that.

Yes it’s true, survey stolen from Rachel.  See her original post here.

Apparently this is standard now, 2 weeks between posts.  Guess that means I’m keeping myself plenty busy.

Quick updates:

*Half-marathon training going very well … am really starting to love the running feeling, although the weather has helped with that, too.  Not-90 helps that a lot.  Did 10 miles yesterday morning and it took 1:54:50 which puts me at around 11:30 a mile, which is well below my 12 minute mile mark for the actual half.  I hope it keeps going that well!

*School is freakishly busy but I love coming home at the end of the day knowing that I did a good day’s work.  Note that I didn’t say that I did a good job, just a good day’s work.  More often than not, I can always think of something I could have done better, think of a situation where I should have paused, asked God for guidance, and then proceeded, but in the end, I do hope that the kids are being changed for the glory of God.  And if they are … then I’ve done my job.

*Last night JJ and I had a date night – first in about 3 months.  The good news is, we take advantage of everything and every second we have, when we have those nights.  It was a fun night, good conversation, and these always help our marriage feel refreshed and realigned.  And that’s a good thing.

*Finally, this weekend, I have to admit I fell madly in love … with my daughter.  Something about the person she is becoming has just totally stolen my entire being.  So this is for her.

Dear Natalie,

You’re talking a lot these days.  Mommy has to admit that I don’t always know what you’re saying or what you’re even talking about but you’re getting so good at communicating concepts that about half of the time I can figure it out, and I think that makes you happy.

You have your own personality now: you’re headstrong, sweet, funny and you love to randomly run up and give mommy and daddy hugs and kisses.  So far you’re not very good at sharing mom and dad, but we can understand that.  You’ve recently started to ask for “menow” in your hair (translation: my bow) and I’m always happy to oblige.  Then you always want to run to the mirror to see “ppeee aaaaaare” (translation: pretty hair).  There’s a little girl in there, but it’s the same little girl that says, “Momma!  Kick! Ball!” and then screeches with glee when the ball moves, the same little girl that says she wants to go outside over and over, and the same little girl that would rather run around with the little boys than sit and play with dolls.  You are mommy’s girl all over.

I just want you to know that I love you lots.  I thank Jesus every single minute for you and through you I can see God’s love better.  I don’t know how God could have given up his Son for us … He must have loved us so very very much.  I hope to tell you that story some day, so that you understand how our hearts can be full of love for you!

Love,

Mommy.

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve blogged.  Sorry about that (to all 3 of you who read my blog these days).

Work hasn’t let up and just in case it wasn’t busy enough, I will be helping Cresset to sponsor a shoe drive starting this Friday.  We are working with Soles 4 Souls to donate shoes worldwide for people who don’t have shoes.  I’m excited to be doing this because the kids are going to be responsible for processing and packaging the shoes and I hope and pray that through all this they will realize that they are doing something for someone they don’t know, and that somehow, by packing shoes, they are sharing the love of Christ.  I want them to understand that missionaries exist in the everyday, that they aren’t just people far far away that we think about and pray about.  I want them to see that by putting  a pair of shoes in a box that they, too, have the hands of missionaries.  I’m really excited to see how the drive goes (and hope I haven’t gotten in over my head)!

Natalie has moved into her “big girl” bed!   Kind of.  It’s her toddler bed, converted from her crib, but to her it’s her big girl bed because there are no bars on the front.  She’s done pretty well the last couple of nights, but it’s been a bit of a battle of wills.  Not that I don’t know how to handle those – after all, she gets that stubbornness from me!  But it’s amazing how fast she’s growing up before our very eyes and I just pray that we’re doing what we should and letting God guide us as we hope to impact her for Christ.  It’s a tall order, but He is amazing, so I’m not worried.

A few weeks ago I ran 10 miles — by far the longest distance I have ever run and I have to admit there was quite the sense of accomplishment – especially since I didn’t die or fall over on the side of the road.  Since then I’ve backed off the mileage and plan to build back up to about 12-14 around the first week of October and then maintaining until the half on November 1.  I’m actually registered for the half marathon now so I guess I can’t back out.  I was the 1000th registrant, which is a little scary.  I’ve clearly never run a race this big!  But I love the feeling of the road under my shoes and the air in my lungs … it’s my new favorite hobby and I can’t wait to see what I train for next!

I am tired.  I’m so tired that since yesterday afternoon about 1:30 my vision has been a little blurry.  It’s better in the mornings but around noon it starts to go downhill.  My eyes have always done this, but usually it’s when I’m a little overworked.  I’m so tired that my fingers ache.  My fingers!  My whole body aches.  And all this from teaching 3rd graders for three days.  Oy.  But I’m glad to be back to work, to be back to the routine, to be back to watching the expressions on kids’ faces when I pantomime what it must have felt like to think the world was flat, or I jump up and down to cheer them on while we’re playing a spelling game, or when I pull out a soccer ball and say, “We have to play GENTLY so we don’t break anything because we’re not going outside!”  And even more than that, it’s watching them and knowing that for the next 180 school days, I will, if I do this right, have their respect and admiration, and more importantly, their trust and their love.  It’s a staggering responsibility and the week before school starts I never sleep very well.  I worry and pray endlessly (although it should probably just be praying but I’m not there yet) about what my class is going to be like, what are they going to learn, what are they going to have trouble with, what should I do for discipline, when should I reward them and so on.  And I pray for their families hoping, desperately seeking the trust of their parents because I know how I feel about my daughter’s teachers (who are AMAZING) and I hope that the parents of my kids in my class feel the same way about me because if they don’t, I am limited.  But so far in my brief teaching career I have only had a few, and even then, they have eventually come my way.  It is, above all, a God thing.  A partnership to raise these kids to the glory of the Lord.  Darn.  That means I have responsibility, doesn’t it?  I do … and I love it ALL.

As for the running, I’m doing well.  8.5 miles last Saturday and the plan is to run 10 in the morning.  Strangely enough the biggest running “injury” I’m facing right now is blisters.  Blisters!  Not chafing, not sore joints, not cramps, blisters.  Stupid stupid blisters.  I have 3 from running but I have since switched socks and that seems to help.  I also have a 4th uninvited blister from a very attractive (although apparently deadly) pair of dress shoes that I wore for orientation.  I now have to lubricate and cover all these blisters before I do serious running.  Boo.  But I love the running part.  Half-marathon is totally surmountable it seems.  I mean, anything, to me, between 10 and 15 is now do-able.  I’m looking forward to November and the Wilmington half.  Maybe after that I’ll shoot for a full?  It sounds appealing, I just don’t know that I have the time.

Our school has overhauled our lunch program and it is AWESOME.  The new “lunch lady” has healthy choices and lots of homemade stuff.  Before this year our lunch choices were quite good, but when we went on our health-food kick, I was a little limited (although I think the kids probably loved it) and now, I feel like I can take advantage of the lunch program more.  You know me, a little good food goes a really long way.

Natalie is back at school and LOVES every minute of it.  She runs in and says goodbye and just plays her heart out all day.  Nothing is better than seeing your smiling child at the end of a day.  Nothing.  Really.  But I think having me at work is good for both of us because she loves her routine and her socializing and I love my work.  Good combo, no?  I can’t believe she’s going to be two this year.  TWO!  Amazing.

I am, as you can tell, about as near perfectly contented as I can be with life.  It’s good.

During bathtime …

Mom: Natalie, don’t drink the water.  It’s yucky.

Natalie: (nods – picks up toy to drink the water)

Mom: Natalie, mommy said do not drink the water.  No drinking, yes mommy?

Natalie: (nods to indicate yes – then picks up the toy to drink the water)

Mom: Natalie …

Natalie: (grins, laughs at me) Nooooooo  … (dumps the water into the tub)

She was pretending.  PRETENDING to drink the water.  Because she knew she wasn’t supposed to.  But she was teasing me.  This has just started to happen in the last week or so.  It cracks me up.  And makes me gloriously happy to be a mom.

It’s true.  Summer is all but over.  I mean, I’m less than 5 days from going back to work.  I know that most “normal” people work all year, and that people don’t usually get 8 consecutive weeks off.  I get that.  But let me point out, my reason for posting is not to rub that in.  My reason for posting is that I do believe that this period of time off has gone by freakishly fast.  Highlights?

* Turns out, I can watch 10 kids age 4 months to 19 months all at one time.  Sure, there was some crying, but everyone’s bottoms were usually clean and most of the time there was just noise, not crying.  It’s exhausting though.  I would recommend it as a highly effective form of birth control because what did I mostly learn from that experience?  No little brother or sister for Natalie for at LEAST a couple of years.  And I’m one of the ones who enjoyed it!

* Natalie is an excellent traveller.  Sure, she can’t sit still, but there aren’t that many 18 month old kids who can be stuck in an airport for an unexpected 6 hours (a flight got cancelled) and not get really cranky.  Nope, she watched airplanes, ran around, sat down, climbed in chairs, ate chicken nuggets, and all around had a good time.

* I probably need to give up the quest of trying to stop the grandparents from spoiling my kid and make my quest limiting the spoilage.  It’s much more realistic.

* I think men with beards scare Natalie.  She wouldn’t have anything to do with her Uncle Sean and he’s pretty much the friendliest guy alive.

* Marbles Kids’ Museum in Raleigh is AWESOME.  If it were closer to my house, say, near Southpoint, I’d suck it up and find some way to put a membership into the budget.  It’s AWESOME.  AWE (wait for it) SOME.  Seriously.

* Potty training kids is a good way to get your heartrate up.  Between the sheer fear of an accident and the chasing of a baby without a diaper, you get your heart going pretty good.

* Who knew I could run 6 miles in the heat?  Wilmington Half Marathon, I’m coming!

* Good food.  Grilled chicken and vegetables; chicken enchiladas with roasted tomatillo salsa; parmesan crusted pork chops; Asian marinated tuna steaks with cold noodles.  Summertime gives me a chance to spend time in my kitchen and this year, with my daughter, too.  She can season (albeit, just one spot) meat with the best of them, knead a bread dough (foccacia), and shape a cookie.  I’m desperate for a bigger, better designed kitchen.  It’s the heartbeat of our house.

* Natalie uses the potty.  Most of the time.

* Good friends.  Over the past few years I have moved into and out of a few groups of friends, never seeming to find what it is that my soul was craving.  I was craving people who loved me as me, who reminded me of my friends in high school and college, people who knew all about me, and loved me anyway.  People that I knew about, and loved anyway.  Luckily enough in the last 6 months I’ve found a few.  I am so blessed.

* The Angus Barn.  I had gotten a gift certificate (a certificate, not a card!) for my birthday that we finally used.  It was delicious.  Highly recommend it if you’ve got cash to spare.

* Dinner at Nana’s.  Perfectly paired 4 course meal from soup (cold potato with peekytoe crab) to dessert (flourless chocolate cake) to braised lamb neck (who knew?) and a course containing rabbit.  Delicious, in fabulous company, and just all together a wonderful time.

In the end it was a lovely summer.  It might not have been the perfect summer with a beach house and fresh seafood on the grill, vegetables from the market, sleeping in, running by the ocean (on a boardwalk or something – sand running = thumbs down), and endless free time (maybe someday, right?).  But it was lovely beyond what I had hoped.  It was nice knowing you, summer ‘09.  Thanks for the memories.

No, I haven’t gone loopy.  That’s Mandarin Chinese, and it’s pronounced “chi fawn luh may yo” and it means “Have you eaten yet?”  Long before the Western part of the world started keeping track of history, Chinese people were making rice and feeding families.  For years and years, families gathered over big tables heaped with food, passed dishes, and ate together.  It is, after all, a tried-and-true approach to friendships and relationships.  Jesus himself tells us to break bread with fellow believers, to eat with one another, in remembrance of Him.  But as a confirmed food-aholic (I’m not sure I’m knowledgable enough to call myself a “foodie” per se) it is an attitude I try to perpetuate.  In a world where fast food is more convenient (and, in some places, trying to become healthier) and the pace of life is so hectic that fast food just makes more sense, it’s hard to say that the same ideal of breaking bread together really exists anymore.  At least from where I’m sitting, it doesn’t seem to.

I look at my daughter and wonder if she’s going to grow up remembering dinner time around the table.  Right now she goes to bed too early (seven – our child needs lots of sleep) for us to really eat together and really eating “together” usually involves us playing zone defense trying to get the food in her mouth (she’s just learning to use a fork and spoon and misses a lot) and calling off the dog (who seems to think that the high chair and anything within a 4 foot radius is her domain), and snatching bites of food here and there.  And forget conversation.  There’s a limit to multi-tasking, you know.  But I’m talking about eventually.  Is she going to remember that if she has a bad day at school, mommy will make her favorite thing for dinner to make her feel better?  Or if it’s her birthday, she gets to pick whatever she wants?  Is she going to remember that we sat there, and talked about what the day was like, whether the food was good, what we want to do tomorrow?

I wonder these things because I remember them.  When I was in elementary school, if I had a bad day, my mom made me cucumber soup for dinner that night.  It didn’t matter if she had to go to the store, or spend an extra twenty minutes thawing out some broth, it’s what I got to eat.  It’s the world’s simplest thing – some roasted short ribs, broth, and cucumbers cooked until they’re just falling apart – but somehow, it made everything okay.  I haven’t had cucumber soup in years, since I left for college I think, but I still remember what it felt like to eat it.  I remember where we all sat.  In fact, when I visit my family in Kansas, we still all sit in the same places.  But it was nice to know that mom was next to me, across from me was my brother, and next to him was my dad.  It was the security of knowing.  I was the bond that was forged with the people who were there.

As I become more and more involved in parenting (this apparently happens as kids get older) I am starting to know what I want my daughter to remember and to do my best to craft these things that are memorable.  I want her to remember that at the core of who her mom is there lies an old, old Chinese tradition of food.  Those that I love most are those that are invited to join my family around our supper table.  There’s nothing better than having good friends over and serving up a meal.  It’s why I always try and cook for JJ’s birthday, instead of taking him out.  It’s how I show people that I love them, that they’re important to me.  I feed them.  It’s who I am.  And sometimes, it doesn’t even matter if the food is good (although I’d like to think it’s getting better), it just matters that it’s there, and that the people are there, and that a bond is being forged.  To share a supper table is to share a sacrement of friendship.  At least … that’s how I see it.