Sunshine and summertime

I am, traditionally, not a big fan of summer.  I don’t like the heat.  I don’t like the sun.  I don’t like the heat.  I don’t like sweating.  I don’t like the heat.  But I am a HUGE fan of having the summer off.  It’s the perfect job for a full time working mom because as a teacher, I get a few weeks a year when I can just be a mom to my one daughter.  The rest of the year I take care of and pray for and teach about a dozen or so other children but for a few weeks a year, I’m just mom to one.  And that makes the heat all worth it.  We’ve already gone swimming half a dozen times, for walks by the lake where we saw turtles, a blue heron, and mallards, and played in the backyard with bubbles and the inflatable wading pool.  Next week we’re going to make bread and cookies and we’re going to read stories and paint things.  It’ll be fun.  I can’t wait.

On a slightly more … mundane note … I did something unusual today.  While we were shopping for pull-ups and toddler underwear (woohoo for potty training!), I saw a couple of cute shirts and grabbed them.  As we were getting ready to leave I put them back.  This, in and of itself, isn’t that unusual.  What’s unusual is the REASON I did it.  Why did I put those shirts back on the rack?  Because I thought I would look ugly in them.  Not because of the colors or the cut, but because I’ve come to the realization that it’s hard to enjoy the way you look in any clothes at all when you’re as frustrated with weight loss as I am.  And before you reach for your mouse to click on comments to tell me that I look great etc etc let me just point out that this is not a vanity based thing.  It is an adjustment to a life that doesn’t revolve around working out.  I know it’s been over 5 years since I had a regular workout regimen, but every day I still miss it and still wish that I had the energy for it.  I have never had a desire to be skinny per se.  But I have always wanted to prove that I can do things that others can’t, or that others wouldn’t believe I could.  But it is frustrating to do all the things that everyone says to do (I eat 5-7 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, 80% of the pasta/bread I eat is whole wheat, I drink skim milk, I rarely eat candy and dessert usually consists of an apple with peanut butter or a scoop of raspberry sorbet) when it comes to food and I went out last weekend and ran 3.5 miles.  These are not the behavior of a person who is, medically, listed in the category of obese.  I would dare anyone else my height and weight to keep up with me in the pool or run as regularly as I do.  Ergo, frustration in the extreme.  It’s the annoyance knowing that, until I drop another 30-35 pounds, I won’t even be considered for life insurance to take care of my family in case I croak, because my weight is a “risk factor.”  SO frustrating.  It’s not a vanity thing at all – it’s not a “I’m ugly, woe is me” type feeling.  It’s the frustration that comes with the fact that no doctors seem to believe me, nor can I actually prove anything since I can’t get the weight off (so it would seem).  I put those shirts back not necessarily because I didn’t think I’d look good in them – I put them back because I would FEEL ugly in them, knowing the potential I have yet to achieve here.  There is, however, an opportunity that is just waiting to be used: starting Friday afternoon I am OUT for the summer.  No school, little work (just here and there) and a little more time.  So I’m going to try and do this.  30-35 pounds OFF by Christmas.  6 months – that’s about a pound a week-ish.  I’m hoping that if I get back into a routine of it, I’ll get over the annoyance of having to “work it in” to my schedule.  We’ll just have to see.

Natalie has started to talk!  Kind … of.  She has started to use about a dozen words regularly in a variety of forms.  Up, out, go, school, momma, dada, dogga (doggie), yes (or “ye”), and, yes, it’s true, Gabba.  In fact, I think that other than mom (which was what she’d called me up until this week – not mommy or mama – no, no, MOM) and dada (which was her first word) I think her first word was, in fact, Gabba.  The funny thing is, she’s lucky if she watches more than 10 minutes of TV a day.  I think she just considers it a novel treat and learned how to ask for it in a hurry. But on the other hand, she has learned to ask to snuggle when watching TV.  She’ll snuggle only at 2 times – when she’s just woken up, be that in the morning or naptime, and when we’re on the couch watching TV.  The temptation is to watch more TV because she’s definitely NOT an affectionate child by nature, but *sigh* propriety of parenthood dictates I ought to do something … useful instead like learn to hold a marker or read a book.  Such is life, but every minute is totally worth it.  A thousand times over.