Mommy dearest

My first Mother’s Day (which I know was last Sunday but I been busy!) was as lovely as a mom could have wanted.  JJ and I had long agreed that trying to go out to eat on Sunday was going to be hard because of UNC Graduation and all of the other moms going out on Sunday so we had always planned to go out on Saturday evening.  My good friend, Judy, and her family watched Natalie while JJ took me to Maggiano’s, one of my favorite restaurants.  While we were there I got a beautiful necklace that I’ve been wanting ever since I knew I was pregnant.  It’s not this exact one, but it’s close.  Then we went back to get Natalie and had a great time with Judy and her husband, just talking and hanging out.  Larry let each of us try a new wine that his company has just come out with and it was really really good.  I’m a big fan of rosee wines I must say.

Sunday morning I got a bagel from Breugger’s as a special breakfast and the offer of time off to get a pedicure.  Poor Natalie came down with a fever of 102 right after church so I spent all day being a mom on Mother’s Day.  Which was perfectly okay with me.  Turned out she had an ear infection that had gotten into her throat so her throat was sore and her ears hurt.  It was bad.  She screamed.  We didn’t sleep much.  But she’s mostly all better now.

It’s funny, I don’t know if it’s that I adjust to new routine well, or I predict things well, or the cute little smile makes things all better, but I feel as though becoming a mom has come quite naturally to me.  I don’t mean that to sound boastful, but what I mean is, at the end of the day with my daughter I’m tired just by virtue of the fact that I’ve been awake and doing stuff but not tired of being with my daughter.  Does that make any sense?  I could spend every day, all day, with her if I could.  Being a mom is exactly what I thought it was going to be, it’s exhausting, and wonderful, and fun, and gross (I am STILL trying to get used to those messy diapers - anyone know how to potty train a 6 month-old?) and I love it all.  One thing that I did not expect is how much the kid likes her baths.  I can’t wait to take her to the pool this summer.

About a girl

The last 2 weeks at church have been all about partnering with the family and the church so that we can grow a generation on fire for Jesus.  I was sitting and listening this past Sunday and I was thinking about the kids I know - at church and at school - and which of them were “church kids” (aka “Mrs. Cooper’s got some work to do because what I’m teachin’ ain’t workin’”) and which of them were kids who were really learning to be fully devoted followers of Christ.  And I thought of a little girl in 2nd grade who is really, in my opinion, on the right track.  I know this because I’m pretty good friends with her mom, I know the little girl, and I’ve heard some amazing stories.

(1) A few weeks ago mom took the girl (we’ll call her Lissy) to a park that had carnival rides and games to play and the little girl met up with a friend from her neighborhood who happened to be there, too, and they were playing on the playground equipment while my friend (the mom) watched.  Suddenly, the little neighbor girl ran up to the mom and said that Lissy had done something rude and inappropriate.  Like a good mom, Lissy is called over.  And mom later relayed the conversation like this:

Mom: Lissy, did you do something that you’re not supposed to?

Lissy: No, mommy.

Mom: Are you sure?   Your friend said that you did something rude. (turns to other little girl) What did Lissy do?

The neighbor girl proceeds to inform my friend that Lissy had been picked on by a bigger girl on the playground.  The other girl called Lissy names and pushed her.  Lissy retaliated by jumping up, and confronting the other little girl, not by calling her names or hitting back but by asking her, “Do you know Jesus in your heart?”  The other (mean) little girl was quite offended and asked Lissy why she would ask such a thing.  Lissy responded with, “Because … I know it’s really hard to be good.  But last year, in first grade, I asked Jesus to live in my heart and I pray every day that He would help me to be good and it helps me to be nice to other people, even when I don’t want to be.”  7 years old, people.  She’ll be eight in June.

(2) Same kid, different story.  One day I was with Lissy and her mom and her mom and I started to have a conversation about something totally inane, like coffee, or lunch, or something.  The next thing I know, Lissy has pulled on mom’s shirt, whispered something in her ear and mom says, “Yes, honey, that’s fine.  I’ll come get you when it’s time to go.”  I asked mom what Lissy wanted and she said that sometimes Lissy will come up to her and tell her, “Mommy, I need to spend some alone time with God.”  And that mom will find her reading her Bible, or praying.  These moments aren’t forever - she is, after all, seven - but they usually last 10 or 15 minutes.

Lissy GETS it.  She’s not, in my opinion, a church kid.  And the reason I say this is because in the incident in the park, no one was looking.  So if she had retaliated by calling the other girl names or by running away, no one would have ever known the difference.  She showed others what Jesus had done for her, even when she wasn’t told to.  And in the second incident, same thing.  She has true, authentic faith.  I’ve heard her, with my own ears, telling children she’s playing with in the street that she knows that mommy and daddy love her because Jesus loved her first.  Her faith is wise, and growing, and spreading.  It’s this faith like a child that Jesus spoke of.  It’s this faith that I hope to raise in my own daughter someday.

1000 words

I have had … well call them complaints call them requests … but I’ve had lots of them asking me to post more photos of Nat so there are some new ones up.  To try and protect Nat’s growing up privacy as much as possible go to my facebook profile and click on the photo link if you’d like to see the new photos.

Above all else

Yesterday Pastor Benji wrapped up his Bucket List sermon series with a message on action.  Well, kind of.  It was more about living a life doing and saying and living the way God wants us to.  But a lot of it was focused on intentions and how to make intentions real action.  I love sermons like that.  They light fires that burn and smolder and make want to DO stuff.  *smile*  One of the things that Benji talked about was that when he’s bedside at a hospital there are, very often, people who tell him, “Tell my wife I love her …” or “Tell my kids I’m proud of them …” and BK’s thing was that we should tell them.  Before we’re dying.  He asked us to fill in the Above All statement.  Above all else, what do you want your loved ones to know?

Above all else, I want my husband to know that beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God chose him for me.  That I prayed for that perfect Christian union and God knew that JJ would be perfect for me.  I want him to know that I love God, him, and our daughter (and any future unborn child(ren)) and cherish them as I know that God has given them to me on loan.  They ultimately belong to Him - He was just nice enough to let me experience them.  I want him to know that I appreciate him deeply, even if I don’t always say so.  But I’m going to work on that.

Above all else, I want my daughter to know that I am proud to be her mom.  And I am proud that she’s my daughter.  I love her just the way she is, and I’ll still love her, even if she makes a dumb choice, or a bad decision.  I want her to know that I’m going to raise her to love God and love others and I pray daily that I will be the Godly role model she needs.  I want her to know that I love her not because of what she does, or can do, or will do, but because she’s mine.

Above all else, I want my parents to know that I appreciate everything they’ve done for me.  I may not always agree with their way of thinking, or with what they think should happen, but I value their opinion.  I want to thank them for raising me to know right from wrong, and for teaching me to work hard and value others.  I want to tell my mom that I learned how to be generous from her - that I love that she works hard for others, and doesn’t expect anything in return.  I want to tell my dad that he taught me to work and to save, that even though he didn’t know it at the time, that he instilled in me a Biblical sense of financial responsibility, one that I take very seriously.  I want them to know that I think they were great parents, and they’re fabulous grandparents to my little girl.

Above all else, I want my younger brother to know that I am proud of him.  He works hard and he tries hard and even though we don’t always have the same outlook on life, I am always proud to be his big sister.  I want him to know that I’ll always be here as a sister and a friend, but not as a parent.  I want him to know that he’s one of my best friends and I wish he lived nearer so we could hang out more because I think he’s a pretty cool cat.

When you put it this way, it’s easy to count the multitude of blessings God has given you, it’s easy to want to work for Him.  But it’s when it’s tough, when it’s cold and lifeless out there, that I need to turn in and remember that these are gifts He’s given me, that He has surrounded me with these lives, and blessed me with them and even when it is cold and lifeless, that I have them to warm me.

Apologetics … kind of

I think I have a word issue.  Except the problem is that the word is a pretty important one.  I have issues with the word “Sorry.”  And here’s why.  To me, the word sorry is a word of apology and there are a lot of situations when the word sorry can be used.  It can be used to say, “I’m sorry, that was a bad decision and I won’t do it again.”  Or perhaps, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get in your way.”  Or even, “I’m sorry I said that.”  But here’s my problem with the word.  Every time I hear the words “I’m sorry” I feel like it should always imply “I won’t do that again.”  or “I shouldn’t do that again.” or “I’ll try my best not to do it again.”

To me, if someone apologizes daily for the same thing, over and over and over again then they’re not really sorry, especially if no effort is being put forth to change anything.  “I’m sorry, I just didn’t think about it” isn’t meaningful.  To be sorry, according to a variety of definitions I’ve looked at, means to be grieved about something.  Usually, if there’s an apology involved, short of the whole physical comedy apology (i.e. I opened the door and hit you in the face and you were on the other side), I feel like if I’m truly grieved about something, I will put forth every effort to make sure it doesn’t happen again.  For instance, “I’m sorry I put that box on the car and scratched the paint.”  This is obviously a problem.  I should, if I mean my apology, make sure I think twice before putting something on the car that might scratch its paint.  But I am sick and tired of people who throw around, “Sorry” so easily they never mean it anymore.  I’m sorry that I ruined your plans - but it happens again 3 days later.  I’m sorry I was late for our appointment - but the one we rescheduled you were late for, too.  I’m sorry that I was rude to you - but the next time I see you, you do it again.  It’s getting old.

I’m not necessarily talking to about anyone specific.  I’m just talking about the general state of what seems to be my existence this week.  So far this week I’ve had someone drop something on me at work with no notice, but it’s the 3rd or 4th time in a week.  And every time it happens I get a “I’m sorry.  Shame on me.  I’ll try not to do this to you again.”  Well, what’s the point.  And I’ve had people say to me over the last couple of weeks, “I’m sorry, I need to do a better job of that,” and then do the same thing 4 days later.  My husband says that the best way to get someone to change their behavior is to be patient and kind about it.  And I agree completely.  And I know that there’s not supposed to be a limit on that patience and kindness, but I am human.  I get really frustrated about stuff like this because here I am trying to teach children that when they apologize they need to mean it and they need to do better next time because if they don’t mean it, then their hearts will never change and they’re not truly sorry.

The other problem I have is every time someone apologizes and doesn’t put effort, or doesn’t do better, then to me that says “I didn’t mean my last apology because I’m not trying.”  It’s that same old story that we hear about with parents,  “I’m sorry I missed your baseball game.  I promise I’ll come to the next one.”  And then after next week’s baseball game, “I’m sorry I missed your game again.  I promise I’ll come to the next one.”  And again.  And again.  And again.  Eventually, the child loses faith that the promises mean anything.  Eventually the child’s heart becomes so wounded, he doesn’t believe that apologies mean anything and that promises mean nothing.  How does one protect a heart, while still being the patient and kind one?  How can one have expectations of change, when change has never happened?  How does one keep faith in another, when that one is constantly the one that is being so patient?  Is change impossible?  How long is too long to wait for change?  I guess I’m just tired of people saying things and doing other things.  Or saying things they don’t mean.  I am horribly guilty of being too forward, too blunt, and not polite enough for some.  Especially since I wasn’t brought up in the south.  But I can’t remember the last time I said something I didn’t mean.  I’m not saying it was always nice - I am as guilty as the next guy of being rude, or impolite in the heat of the moment but unfortunately, they’re always things that I mean.  I don’t say I’m going to do something if I know I’m not, or even if it’s likely that I’m not.  I don’t apologize for things unless I change them.  I think I’m just frustrated with the general hypocrisy of the outside world at large and this most recent thing of apologizing and not meaning it has been driving me crazy.

Thank you for allowing me to vent.