Love is here

Today’s favorite Natalie memory:

Although I don’t remember much about Natalie’s actual birth because I was anesthetized for the c-section (and I react funny to anesthesia), I remember much about that first few days of her life.  One of the things that JJ and I had talked about was that we wanted to raise our daughter to be independent.  Not necessarily someone who doesn’t want us, but someone who knows that her own opinions are important and that as she grows up, she’ll be trusted with more choices.  Both JJ and I are fairly independent people and were of the breed that when we went off to college kept home at arm’s length so that we could gain a path to our own lives.  But this is one of my favorite memories because I had no idea independence was going to come this quickly.  After 3-4 days in the hospital we were getting ready to go home and I gave her a bottle as my mom and JJ were packing up our stuff, and I look down and exclaim “GET THE CAMERA!  SHE’S HOLDING IT HERSELF!”  That’s right, my 4-day old held up her own bottle.  And it was a sign of who our girl was going to become.  She has continued to want to be independent with, “I do it,” or even “Na-na help, ok?”  It has helped with potty training and the table manners (although sometimes it has challenged us with discipline!) and dressing herself in the morning.  She’s my  independent girl.  But she’s still mine and her daddy’s.  For now anyway.

My heart is captured by this love

Natalie will be two a week from today.  TWO!  So in honor of my beautiful girl, I will be dedicating a week of blog posts to her with some of my favorite memories.

Today’s memory is our first trip to the pool.  Although I had hoped that my child would enjoy the pool, I had no idea she would enjoy it as much as she did.  Our neighborhood pool opened at the beginning of May, when Natalie was about 5 months old, and I just had to get her in there.  With swim diaper and suit on, off we went.  The water was probably 68 degrees at the warmest and the temperature outside wasn’t exactly balmy.  But my Natalie LOVED it.  We played until her feet and lips started to turn blue and she got angry with us for taking her out.  During the summer we go (almost) every day and her joy at the water is wonderful to see.  Oh, and the dunking?  She loves it.  “More mommy?  More go under!”

Another step

Work is out of control, in a good way.  Conferences and seminars followed by accreditation committee visits plus open houses equals a very tired faculty.  And that’s okay because it’s all for the good of the kids, but I’m ready for Thanksgiving break already!  Next week will be a busy one, too.  Natalie’s birthday party is on Tuesday followed by house cleaning Wednesday, cooking and in-laws arriving Thursday, Natalie’s actual birthday (2 years old – that was fast …) on Friday, and then a weekend and back to school Monday.  I take it back, I’m ready for Christmas!

I have enjoyed the last few weeks, as busy as they have been, because of the things that we have been doing and the people we have seen and the food we have eaten and the time we have spent.  My parents came to visit last week and they always come bearing gifts.  And I don’t mean the ribbon-wrapped kind, I mean the daily-life kind, you know the groceries, diapers, new shoes that don’t hurt my feet, vacuumed carpets, cleaned out garages, laundrying-doing kind.  Not that I don’t like the ribbon-wrapped kind, but the daily-life kind are hard to find sometimes, and they are the gifts that I often take for granted.  But now they’ve gone and JJ has been adequately supplied with kung pao chicken and sticky rice for at least another 6-8 weeks, Natalie and I have our tasty turnip cake (it tastes better than it sounds), and we won’t have to do laundry for a good … well, 4 or 5 days at least.

A week from Friday our baby turns two.  I’m not complaining because I love this age, but I want to know, how can it be possible that it’s been 2 years already?  She is a walking, talking, personality thriving little girl whose favorite things are bunnies and bears, dress up and cooking, toy cars, and the other day, just for fun, we put her on a bike at REI and she knew what to do with the pedals.  She’s two!  She’ll be able to help decorate the house and Christmas tree this year, and we’ll live in constant fear that she’s going rip something or tip something over.  She’ll eat mashed potatoes and green beans and have birthday cake.  And she’ll smile at me and her daddy like we’re the best thing ever and that makes the ripped decorations and spilled food and noise all worth it.  She’s becoming a little person and I’m just fighting to keep up, to raise her in the way that God has called us to raise her, to be another servant for His kingdom.  It’s a little common sense and a lot of prayer, a little fun and a lot of intentionality, a little tiring and a lot of reward.  But my baby is turning two in 10 days and I am as excited for her as I am for anything.

I have a 19 pound turkey awaiting its trip to the bathtub to defrost (yes, that’s where we defrost our turkeys – Natalie finds it hysterical) and then its day in a brine bath and then into the oven.  I have potatoes waiting to be diced and mashed, sweet potatoes waiting for butter and brown sugar, I have apples waiting to be made into apple pie and a recipe for brioche rolls for breakfast the next morning.  I love Thanksgiving because of the smells that come from my kitchen, the little girl underfoot wanting to help “pat pat pat” the pie crust or “stir stir stir” the stuffing or “chop chop” the apples, the smiles from my family, and the taste of the food, the fact that my husband does the dishes and we spend time with our daughter.  I love that we don’t travel at Thanksgiving – that’s the rule.  We stay home and if people want to visit, great, but we’re not going anywhere.  I love that it’s the only one of the 3 holidays (Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas) that we can establish our own traditions, instead of being thrust into existing ones.  One day I hope for Christmas and Easter traditions of our own, but for now we honor the traditions of JJ’s and my families, and I’m okay with that.  After all, it’s family.  But eventually I want Natalie to remember her mommy and daddy and our family traditions.  All in good time.

 

Half

Well, I did it.  I ran a half marathon.  And it was glorious.  It was cold and wet (51 degrees, 10-15 mph winds, heavy rain during parts), and hilly but I did it.  More importantly, I had a really good time doing it.  It’s supposedly not recommended to decide whether or not I want to do another one of these within a week of the race, but I’m fairly certain I want to do another half sometime in the not-so-distant future.  I loved it – loved the pounding feet and watching the people go by, loved the air in my lungs, loved the continuous movement of it all.  I will admit, I did not love the pouring rain, but that’s part of the reason I want to do another one, because the weather couldn’t possibly (she says with fingers crossed) be as bad as the last one.

Mile by mile I watched the weather change and the people around me change.  The first 2 miles I was almost a minute ahead of my per mile pace.  After that it started getting really cold and really wet so I definitely started to slow down.  Around mile 8 I started to regret not doing more hill training.  Mile 12 I wished I wasn’t so reliant on my glasses – they had been wet since mile 3, but now between the heat coming off my body and the rain and the wind, they were starting to fog up big time.  The only thing I could see was Rob’s blue running shirt next to me.  Our clothes were soaked through to the skin.  I was wringing water out of my shirt and shorts just to get them not to stick.  But as we approached the finish, I was glad I had done it.  Thrilled in fact, although I probably didn’t express it adequately because I was freezing cold.

My awesome friend Rob, who got me into this running thing in the first place, ran the race with me.  Paid the entry free, got up at the crack of dawn, drove out there, ran with me the whole messy, windy, rainy 13.1 miles.  Rob’s amazing wife, Nikki, got up at the crack of dawn, drove out there with us, held our stuff, got soaked waiting for us to come by, and supported us in the wee hours of the morning.  One of the coolest things about this race was the support I got from Rob and Nikki.  There just aren’t that many people out there who would run 13.1 miles just for kicks, just for a friend.  And so my heartfelt gratitude goes out to Rob and Nikki for their support and enthusiasm and willingness through all of this.  Friends like you are rare, I am blessed beyond words to have you in my life.  I could not have done this without you both.  Thank you.

Of course my incredible husband, who got up early in the morning to watch Natalie so I could train, who came out in the rain with a 2 year old to support me, who allowed me the time I needed to get ready for this, was my stronghold.  I was constantly reminded as I trained what a patient and generous man I married.  I am blessed to call him mine forever.  I could not have even dreamed of doing it without him.  Thank you.

And as for the next one?  I’m already looking at event dates because I loved it.  I had originally thought that the next thing I was going to aim for was a full marathon but I think that I’m a half-marathon girl for now.  And as soon as my legs will bend normally again, I’m going to start training for number 2.

 

 

Home

I have seen lately the fragility of life.  Not just the bodily life, although I did experience that in the last weeks as well.  But life as an institution, life as an existence, life as a path, a road to be traveled.  I consider myself privileged to have a God who loves me as I am, a husband who isn’t far behind, and a daughter who looked at me today and said, “My mommy … I kiss you,” and a dog that loves to be scratched and petted and really could probably live on love alone.  I have a job that I love, that daily helps me fulfill my mission for God, and am surrounded by those who love and serve the Lord.  I am abundantly blessed and sure, I work hard at it (sometimes harder than others, but always working) but in the end, the Father has laid before me a feast of abundant joy and hope, not just here but in eternity.  But around me, I see the fallenness of man.

So often it makes me long for it to be over – not this life, but this brokenness.  But we carry on, don’t we?  We keep marching on.  We make ourselves numb to what’s going on around us, because this is the only way we can cope – it is the only way our ravaged hearts can keep beating without weeping.  We make ourselves think it’s just not that bad, that we  just have to live with it.  The numbness is better than feeling the pain, so we accept it.  Because if we feel too much, it might hurt.  Or if we’re hurting others, we make ourselves numb to their pain, because if we feel their pain, we might not do what we want to anymore.  The fight between pain and numbness is never ending.

And I wonder why I’m one of the lucky ones, who doesn’t have to be in the fight.

Love so faithfully

I love that she thanks Jesus for mommy and daddy.

I love that she snores.  You know, just a little bit.  Because I snore.  And her daddy snores.  One of those little things that confirms she’s ours.

I love that he insists on hugs and kisses from her (and, frankly, from me, too).  Yeah, that’s right, he’s man enough.

I love that she loves to eat fruit.  Sure, she’s borderlining on vegetarian, but she loves her fruit and veggies.

I love that her first words in the morning are “Hi, Mama!”  No matter what I had to punish her for last night, or how yesterday was, she’s happy to see me.

I love that she loves school and is like a little sponge, soaking it all in.

I love that she loves jeans and sneakers.  That’s my girl!

Mostly I love that when I look at her I see God’s love.  Because I think that’s what He intended for me to see.  And I can’t complain about that.

I stole it from Rachel

Yes it’s true, survey stolen from Rachel.  See her original post here.

your favorite virtue: honesty

your favorite qualities in a man: dependability, humor, kindness, generosity, honesty

your favorite qualities in a woman: laughter, gentleness, truthfulness

your chief characterisic: dependability

what you appreciate most in your friends: laughter, reality, loyalty

your main fault: pride/stubborness/selfishness

your idea of happiness: a mountain, snow, my daughter, my husband and my dog

your favorite occupation: chef!

your idea of misery: loud, closed, large crowd

if not yourself, who would you be: a dolphin

where would you like to live: wherever my daughter and husband are

your favorite color & flower: pink roses, pink gerbera daisies (although my favorite color is blue)

your favorite prose authors: John Steinbeck, Lilian Jackson Braun, Laura Ingalls Wilder (I am a child, it’s true)

your favorite poets: Shakespeare, Solomon

your favorite heros in fiction:

your favorite heroines in fiction:

your favorite food & drink: bagels with cream cheese, tomatoes and mozzarella, pizza, a good burger, sushi, cherry 7 up, ginger ale, hot coffee, Coke zero

your favorite names: Grace, Robert, Matthew, Blithe

what i hate the most: pity

what history characters i hate the most: the people who thought owning slaves was a good idea

the natural talent i’d like to be gifted with: flying

how i wish to die: old, having lived a life full of LIFE, with my family and my friends

what is your present state of mind: tired, hot, sweaty, and ready to go home

for what fault have you most toleration: lateness

your favorite motto: How hard could it BE? (Top Gear)

Everlasting

Apparently this is standard now, 2 weeks between posts.  Guess that means I’m keeping myself plenty busy.

Quick updates:

*Half-marathon training going very well … am really starting to love the running feeling, although the weather has helped with that, too.  Not-90 helps that a lot.  Did 10 miles yesterday morning and it took 1:54:50 which puts me at around 11:30 a mile, which is well below my 12 minute mile mark for the actual half.  I hope it keeps going that well!

*School is freakishly busy but I love coming home at the end of the day knowing that I did a good day’s work.  Note that I didn’t say that I did a good job, just a good day’s work.  More often than not, I can always think of something I could have done better, think of a situation where I should have paused, asked God for guidance, and then proceeded, but in the end, I do hope that the kids are being changed for the glory of God.  And if they are … then I’ve done my job.

*Last night JJ and I had a date night – first in about 3 months.  The good news is, we take advantage of everything and every second we have, when we have those nights.  It was a fun night, good conversation, and these always help our marriage feel refreshed and realigned.  And that’s a good thing.

*Finally, this weekend, I have to admit I fell madly in love … with my daughter.  Something about the person she is becoming has just totally stolen my entire being.  So this is for her.

Dear Natalie,

You’re talking a lot these days.  Mommy has to admit that I don’t always know what you’re saying or what you’re even talking about but you’re getting so good at communicating concepts that about half of the time I can figure it out, and I think that makes you happy.

You have your own personality now: you’re headstrong, sweet, funny and you love to randomly run up and give mommy and daddy hugs and kisses.  So far you’re not very good at sharing mom and dad, but we can understand that.  You’ve recently started to ask for “menow” in your hair (translation: my bow) and I’m always happy to oblige.  Then you always want to run to the mirror to see “ppeee aaaaaare” (translation: pretty hair).  There’s a little girl in there, but it’s the same little girl that says, “Momma!  Kick! Ball!” and then screeches with glee when the ball moves, the same little girl that says she wants to go outside over and over, and the same little girl that would rather run around with the little boys than sit and play with dolls.  You are mommy’s girl all over.

I just want you to know that I love you lots.  I thank Jesus every single minute for you and through you I can see God’s love better.  I don’t know how God could have given up his Son for us … He must have loved us so very very much.  I hope to tell you that story some day, so that you understand how our hearts can be full of love for you!

Love,

Mommy.

How Do You Sleep So Peacefully …

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve blogged.  Sorry about that (to all 3 of you who read my blog these days).

Work hasn’t let up and just in case it wasn’t busy enough, I will be helping Cresset to sponsor a shoe drive starting this Friday.  We are working with Soles 4 Souls to donate shoes worldwide for people who don’t have shoes.  I’m excited to be doing this because the kids are going to be responsible for processing and packaging the shoes and I hope and pray that through all this they will realize that they are doing something for someone they don’t know, and that somehow, by packing shoes, they are sharing the love of Christ.  I want them to understand that missionaries exist in the everyday, that they aren’t just people far far away that we think about and pray about.  I want them to see that by putting  a pair of shoes in a box that they, too, have the hands of missionaries.  I’m really excited to see how the drive goes (and hope I haven’t gotten in over my head)!

Natalie has moved into her “big girl” bed!   Kind of.  It’s her toddler bed, converted from her crib, but to her it’s her big girl bed because there are no bars on the front.  She’s done pretty well the last couple of nights, but it’s been a bit of a battle of wills.  Not that I don’t know how to handle those – after all, she gets that stubbornness from me!  But it’s amazing how fast she’s growing up before our very eyes and I just pray that we’re doing what we should and letting God guide us as we hope to impact her for Christ.  It’s a tall order, but He is amazing, so I’m not worried.

A few weeks ago I ran 10 miles — by far the longest distance I have ever run and I have to admit there was quite the sense of accomplishment – especially since I didn’t die or fall over on the side of the road.  Since then I’ve backed off the mileage and plan to build back up to about 12-14 around the first week of October and then maintaining until the half on November 1.  I’m actually registered for the half marathon now so I guess I can’t back out.  I was the 1000th registrant, which is a little scary.  I’ve clearly never run a race this big!  But I love the feeling of the road under my shoes and the air in my lungs … it’s my new favorite hobby and I can’t wait to see what I train for next!

Rewind

I am tired.  I’m so tired that since yesterday afternoon about 1:30 my vision has been a little blurry.  It’s better in the mornings but around noon it starts to go downhill.  My eyes have always done this, but usually it’s when I’m a little overworked.  I’m so tired that my fingers ache.  My fingers!  My whole body aches.  And all this from teaching 3rd graders for three days.  Oy.  But I’m glad to be back to work, to be back to the routine, to be back to watching the expressions on kids’ faces when I pantomime what it must have felt like to think the world was flat, or I jump up and down to cheer them on while we’re playing a spelling game, or when I pull out a soccer ball and say, “We have to play GENTLY so we don’t break anything because we’re not going outside!”  And even more than that, it’s watching them and knowing that for the next 180 school days, I will, if I do this right, have their respect and admiration, and more importantly, their trust and their love.  It’s a staggering responsibility and the week before school starts I never sleep very well.  I worry and pray endlessly (although it should probably just be praying but I’m not there yet) about what my class is going to be like, what are they going to learn, what are they going to have trouble with, what should I do for discipline, when should I reward them and so on.  And I pray for their families hoping, desperately seeking the trust of their parents because I know how I feel about my daughter’s teachers (who are AMAZING) and I hope that the parents of my kids in my class feel the same way about me because if they don’t, I am limited.  But so far in my brief teaching career I have only had a few, and even then, they have eventually come my way.  It is, above all, a God thing.  A partnership to raise these kids to the glory of the Lord.  Darn.  That means I have responsibility, doesn’t it?  I do … and I love it ALL.

As for the running, I’m doing well.  8.5 miles last Saturday and the plan is to run 10 in the morning.  Strangely enough the biggest running “injury” I’m facing right now is blisters.  Blisters!  Not chafing, not sore joints, not cramps, blisters.  Stupid stupid blisters.  I have 3 from running but I have since switched socks and that seems to help.  I also have a 4th uninvited blister from a very attractive (although apparently deadly) pair of dress shoes that I wore for orientation.  I now have to lubricate and cover all these blisters before I do serious running.  Boo.  But I love the running part.  Half-marathon is totally surmountable it seems.  I mean, anything, to me, between 10 and 15 is now do-able.  I’m looking forward to November and the Wilmington half.  Maybe after that I’ll shoot for a full?  It sounds appealing, I just don’t know that I have the time.

Our school has overhauled our lunch program and it is AWESOME.  The new “lunch lady” has healthy choices and lots of homemade stuff.  Before this year our lunch choices were quite good, but when we went on our health-food kick, I was a little limited (although I think the kids probably loved it) and now, I feel like I can take advantage of the lunch program more.  You know me, a little good food goes a really long way.

Natalie is back at school and LOVES every minute of it.  She runs in and says goodbye and just plays her heart out all day.  Nothing is better than seeing your smiling child at the end of a day.  Nothing.  Really.  But I think having me at work is good for both of us because she loves her routine and her socializing and I love my work.  Good combo, no?  I can’t believe she’s going to be two this year.  TWO!  Amazing.

I am, as you can tell, about as near perfectly contented as I can be with life.  It’s good.